"DEEP SCHTUFF" about me....

Thru my "Journey"....I've dealt with a bunch of 'eating disorder' issues and why I had a severe eating disorder at 12yrs.
My issues were not surrounding abuse... but, were some issues of 'abandonment.'

Growing as a little girl...I must've been such a "DADDY'S GIRL"....b/c at around 5 my dad was sent on a LONG TDY and had to leave. The story surrounding me packing all my most precious treasure...and getting ready to go with him was sooo sad and sweet. I wanted to go...and be with him I didn't understand it was 'his job' - he was gone 1yr.- one visit home.)

Then...at age 12 he left again...(this time divorcing my mom and moving to Colorado -we lived in TX)

When he left the first time....I was hurt deeply...
a funny story:
During this time...my mom had these incredibly sharp tiny manicure scissors...she wouldn't let me play with them...I snuck and found them and played with them in her closet. The only thing to cut in there was clothing so I proceeded to cut 'teeny tiny holes' in my mother's clothing...skipping over my 'favorite dress' of hers...and stopping at my daddy's clothes.She was baffled at how the holes go there...and there were sooo many in different places.....and one day was talking to her best friend about it.I was listening in...and suggested that maybe it was a "little mouse." Shortly after that...I found myself in a child psychologist's office!
(That's about the end of the 'funny'...except as an adult...I joke about that is where the first love of FASHION, FABRIC & SCISSORS came from...that's why I'm a fashion designer! LOL)

The setup was simple when I went to the shrink....I would go in first...playing some games with him...and we'd talk. Then Mom would go in and "talk about me" - I've always hated this...when she talks about me. But at that young age...I'd sit in the 'waiting room' and read or play games - or....THAT is what I was SUPPOSED to be doing. In actuality I'd be "mowing" down on the sugar cubes in his coffee service!!! THIS is my first remembrance of a unhealthy eating habit!!WOW...age 5!!! Over the years my eating became a HUGE emotional security blanket....and got bigger and more messed up.
SO....I carried all these "yuck feelings" and behaviors into my relationships & into the most important with my DH. Last summer ('05), I started thru an educational program that changed my life...I MEAN REALLY changed my life!! ~ It was called the LANDMARK Education. (It is a secular program...but God made this ROCK CRY OUT in my life and breathe HIS TRUTH into my life in a HUGE way!!!) The program was the catalyst for me having WLS. It was awesome b/c Russ and I did the whole series...and it ended a month b/f my WLS....anyway.

While there are 3 parts to this educational series... during the first part I realized that I was pretending to be "OK" with my weight....when really I wasn't...and when I came to the realization that I'd "shut up" anyone who had anything to say to me on the subject of my weight/food/dieting...(esp. Russ) I was grieved.
The ugly truth: I was a 'shutter upper'- my Ms. Jeckel would come up if you had anything to say to me on this subject...if I brought it up, you were to sit quietly and nod in agreement with my revelation or what I wanted to do. Otherwise - the evil biatch would rear her UGLY HEAD!!! The sad part...was I also realized it was not only on the subject of FOOD...it touched aspects of me being TIDDY...and MONEY issues.
The harsh reality was the longer there were "taboo subjects" within my marriage with Russ...I'd eventually snuff out the spark in his eye for me...and I'd loose my prince!
This is when... thru the "landmark process" & different tools I learned to use..... how I got my purpose to be "loving and authentic"....and to "give voice to others" - ESPECIALLY RUSS!

There are NO longer ANY taboo subjects. It took us a year going thru...and practicing the techniques..as well as recalling painful memories...and having TONS of clearing up of OLD unhealthy lies - replacing them with TRUTHS. Which brings me back to my funny/not so funny story...Since this memory was recalled I've healed a lot of those old memories...I realized at that young age I started believing "lies" about my life way back then - like - "I am ON MY OWN"....or "My Daddy doesn't love me" (-b/c if he did, he wouldn't leave me...or leave me with 'her'....and that is when my Mom became my enemy.)WOW...once I unraveled the lies and replaced them with TRUTH...and forgave my Daddy...myself for judging GOD...my Mommy....and just the 'unexplainable things that children don't have the capacity to understand'.
THEN, an only then, was I gaining some inner peace...and some healing on my 'food issues.' as well as start a NEW healthy relationship with my Mom...Dad...God....and FOOD.

JOURNAL: October 24th - "My Old Self..."

At this point...I'm starting to feel more and more like my "old self"....I am now at my wedding weight. And LOVE that.....

That was such a Huge accomplishment...it's no longer embarassing to take pictures....and I don't mind someone snapping a picture on the spur of the moment.

This picture is taken for my current resume/card....for freelance work. The adventures are never ending...I'm starting to do a little 'styling'....and hoping that this may be a fun freelance avenue for the time being. (At least to build up a working portfolio. Need a stylist??) ~D

JOURNAL: October 21st - "meeting with my buddy"

Today I met with my sweet WLS support buddy!! On more than this occasion has she made me laugh...and have I enjoyed being with her. This day we had hoped that more of the RR WLS support group would join us in Manhatten for a day of fun and visiting...but it just worked out that it was just Janae & Me. (and our children of corse!)
After going to Sephora for a DIOR makeover...we walked up 7th to Central Park so the kiddos could run and play....and Janae and I hoped that we'd get to see the changing leaves. Janae had never been to Central Park...(she lives in Jersey now)...and she had fun snapping pictures of the fun Central park bridges. This picture is sooo fun, b/c when she sent this to me - I had an "AH HA!" moment....WOW, I almost look like a normal person from the back!!! I don't know why this is such a WONDERFUL pictures....the gorgeous bridge...with our kids running toward it....or my amazingly small "behind!" LOL.

This was truely a wonderful day....THANKS JANAE....not only for meeting me in the city...but taking this picture so I could have this fun chuckle....Love ya girl!! The next picture is us in front of the Central Park skating rink....oooooh, were we cold! Oh...we are the Pink clan....I didn't know that I'd like PINK soooo much. - thanks for that too, J'nae!!!~

JOURNAL: October 19th - "Surprise from my wonderful Hubby...."

(click on Photo to see larger!!)

First...a wonderful Card.....here is what it says:

"CONGRATULATIONS...."Pride comes not from the goals you acheive but from the way you pursue them."inside: On this special day, many people are sharing in the pride you feel, hoping that the acheivement you celebrate will open the door to a future filled with hapiness & success. ~ Happy 6 month Post-Op day! Love, Husband xxxO~"

The note he wrote shows you all what an amazingly wonderful man I'm married to!! Of course...most of you already know that....

"My Sweetheart, Congratulations!!! Today is your 6mo. post op! You've lost over 100 lbs.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Way to go! That's an amazing acheivement!I'm so proud of you baby...you were so (& continue to be) brave...and your attitude has been outstanding! I can't recall of a single moment where you complained - even during "the foamies!" Not even when you needed to make a quick detour off 7th avenue a couple of times when we were apartment hunting. I'm also so proud of you for encouraging & inspiring others along your journey. I've so enjoyed watching you revel in the "little" victories -- "I can cross my legs!" -- "I walked 20+ blocks today!" -- "I can wear so & so outfit again!" Keep up the excellent work my love! You're scoring a "10" & deserve an "A+"!!

So....then....he gives me a 1/2 DOZEN Red Roses!!! "There is one for every month of your journey!"Here is the picture of my fun!!! My Husband is sooo sooo wonderful!!! Could never have done this without him!!

JOURNAL: October 12th - "External & Internal"

(CLICK ON PHOTO...for a closer look....

trust me it's worth it, I worked hard to try to keep those pants UP!! LOL.)

ONE SIDE OF WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY: The external..... I wanted to take this picture at 100# lost....this is the same outfit I wore to the hospital the day of my surgery. If you look at me from the front view I still look as wide as I was at 333....but, the side view is where I lost the 100#!! Especially in my bootie!! Wow...Russ and I have had a fun laugh or two!! One of my WLS buddies said it looks like my bootie shifted to my boobies!! I love celebrating each milestone...it's the amazing part of this process....but, also part of the excitement.

THERE IS ANOTHER SIDE: The internal...there are still the same thoughts. Even though my insides were rearranged, and a tool was created that is benefits my weightloss....my brain did not change. I am triggered by the same things...

• Late Night TV watching
• Emotional or stressful times
• Boredom
• The presence of Sweets!
• Grocery shopping (although, I try to only stock the house with healthy food!)

The great part is being careful of what foods I supply our home with. The fear of dumping (even though I'm pretty sure I don't have dumping syndrome) And trying to be very very conscious of my tool" - my new stomach.

BEFORE WLS.... I ALWAYS HATED.... dieting.... when I wasn't on a diet I was eating the wrong foods. Usually overeating and/or choosing the wrong foods.... obsessing over food. THEN, when I was on a diet... I was still thinking about food constantly - but usually about eating the "right" foods. Constantly planning menues or meals... thinking.... journalling... counting points... measuring foods...AHHH! OBSESSING!! I couldn't seem to get away from my nemisis.

AFTER WLS...I still think about food constantly - but now, I think of it not as my enemy but as part of the tool. One tool will not work without the other. I'm still working on my brain...and how I think. THIS is the MOST important aspect of the weightloss surgery. If I don't do my part working thru the internal inventory...It won't work.

"Will I still get thin?"

Yes, but....I will still have the internal war...and never live the ALL AROUND healthy life that God intends for me. It doesn't have to be one or the other. As a FAT PERSON...I came to some breakthrus about myself and my life. Some of which contributed to my having the weighloss surgery. And now, those breakthrus can travel with me and generate new breakthrus....to where I will be able to live without this struggle. It's a process.... I'm committed.

This is my new life - I committed to go thru this WLS in 3D....seeing all sides and dimensions. I no longer want to live a 2D life.