Friday, November 24, 2006

JOURNAL: November 24th - "7 mos. PostOp"


(click on the pictures for larger view)


Wow...it's hard to believe sometimes that it's been 7mos.....and then again, that time is so short, for the amount of weight I've lost. My new total is 111#'s....I'm loosing at a considerably slower rate now...which is good/bad.
Good, b/c I'm loosing at a normal rate....BAD, b/c I'm used to the pounds just dropping off...and now I have to work for it...and be patient for the results.

I'm glad it was fast at first b/c I just KNOW me....if it wouldn't have worked this way - I would've given up like so many other times I tried to loose weight! It never was successful. This has been a transition...I'm not gonna say "hard" - b/c that is a story to make this choice a little more dramatic. It is what it is...and I'm glad for my choice to have weight loss surgery.

Boy, do I feel amazing! Now if the last 72#'s could come off easy... but, something tells me it won't be that easy... I'm gonna have to work at it - the mere "mortal way!" LOL.

Friday, November 10, 2006

JOURNAL: November 10th - "My New Jeans..."


SO...ABOUT MY NEW JEANS:
I've been griping about my size 20 jeans I bought at Walmart...they've been sagging and loose. (plus they are sooo "suburban mommy jeans" - not trendy or cool) Anyway...I've been on a search for jeans...and the other day, my girlfriend - Steph, and I went to Macy's. I've had NO success finding jeans in the "big girl section" of other trendy stores like Urban Outfitters, Gap, or Old Navy (all have max 16)....even Conway or Strawberry- my 2 new fav trendy stores....both have my size but b/c I have really big legs - NO LUCK!!
My butt may be smaller...but WOW, chunky legs from about the knee up so it's hard!!
So....last week I was watching a show called "What not to Wear" (love this show!) and saw a larger girl going for a style make-over...and they went to a dept. store for cool jeans. SO...this is why I went to Macy's. I bought 3 pair's of jean....2 size 20's (fit is soooo different than my other 20's b/c of the 'straight leg - boot cut'...) the 3rd pr. is a repeat in 18W of the blue jeans b/c I love them...and want them for later!!! I'm pretty pleased even though they are 20's! I just feel cooler...anyway...here's a pic of me...and my new fun sweater hoodie, and fun urban sketchers!
(click on the picture for a larger view....)

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

"DEEP SCHTUFF" about me....

Thru my "Journey"....I've dealt with a bunch of 'eating disorder' issues and why I had a severe eating disorder at 12yrs.
My issues were not surrounding abuse... but, were some issues of 'abandonment.'

Growing as a little girl...I must've been such a "DADDY'S GIRL"....b/c at around 5 my dad was sent on a LONG TDY and had to leave. The story surrounding me packing all my most precious treasure...and getting ready to go with him was sooo sad and sweet. I wanted to go...and be with him I didn't understand it was 'his job' - he was gone 1yr.- one visit home.)

Then...at age 12 he left again...(this time divorcing my mom and moving to Colorado -we lived in TX)

When he left the first time....I was hurt deeply...
a funny story:
During this time...my mom had these incredibly sharp tiny manicure scissors...she wouldn't let me play with them...I snuck and found them and played with them in her closet. The only thing to cut in there was clothing so I proceeded to cut 'teeny tiny holes' in my mother's clothing...skipping over my 'favorite dress' of hers...and stopping at my daddy's clothes.She was baffled at how the holes go there...and there were sooo many in different places.....and one day was talking to her best friend about it.I was listening in...and suggested that maybe it was a "little mouse." Shortly after that...I found myself in a child psychologist's office!
(That's about the end of the 'funny'...except as an adult...I joke about that is where the first love of FASHION, FABRIC & SCISSORS came from...that's why I'm a fashion designer! LOL)

The setup was simple when I went to the shrink....I would go in first...playing some games with him...and we'd talk. Then Mom would go in and "talk about me" - I've always hated this...when she talks about me. But at that young age...I'd sit in the 'waiting room' and read or play games - or....THAT is what I was SUPPOSED to be doing. In actuality I'd be "mowing" down on the sugar cubes in his coffee service!!! THIS is my first remembrance of a unhealthy eating habit!!WOW...age 5!!! Over the years my eating became a HUGE emotional security blanket....and got bigger and more messed up.
SO....I carried all these "yuck feelings" and behaviors into my relationships & into the most important with my DH. Last summer ('05), I started thru an educational program that changed my life...I MEAN REALLY changed my life!! ~ It was called the LANDMARK Education. (It is a secular program...but God made this ROCK CRY OUT in my life and breathe HIS TRUTH into my life in a HUGE way!!!) The program was the catalyst for me having WLS. It was awesome b/c Russ and I did the whole series...and it ended a month b/f my WLS....anyway.

While there are 3 parts to this educational series... during the first part I realized that I was pretending to be "OK" with my weight....when really I wasn't...and when I came to the realization that I'd "shut up" anyone who had anything to say to me on the subject of my weight/food/dieting...(esp. Russ) I was grieved.
The ugly truth: I was a 'shutter upper'- my Ms. Jeckel would come up if you had anything to say to me on this subject...if I brought it up, you were to sit quietly and nod in agreement with my revelation or what I wanted to do. Otherwise - the evil biatch would rear her UGLY HEAD!!! The sad part...was I also realized it was not only on the subject of FOOD...it touched aspects of me being TIDDY...and MONEY issues.
The harsh reality was the longer there were "taboo subjects" within my marriage with Russ...I'd eventually snuff out the spark in his eye for me...and I'd loose my prince!
This is when... thru the "landmark process" & different tools I learned to use..... how I got my purpose to be "loving and authentic"....and to "give voice to others" - ESPECIALLY RUSS!

There are NO longer ANY taboo subjects. It took us a year going thru...and practicing the techniques..as well as recalling painful memories...and having TONS of clearing up of OLD unhealthy lies - replacing them with TRUTHS. Which brings me back to my funny/not so funny story...Since this memory was recalled I've healed a lot of those old memories...I realized at that young age I started believing "lies" about my life way back then - like - "I am ON MY OWN"....or "My Daddy doesn't love me" (-b/c if he did, he wouldn't leave me...or leave me with 'her'....and that is when my Mom became my enemy.)WOW...once I unraveled the lies and replaced them with TRUTH...and forgave my Daddy...myself for judging GOD...my Mommy....and just the 'unexplainable things that children don't have the capacity to understand'.
THEN, an only then, was I gaining some inner peace...and some healing on my 'food issues.' as well as start a NEW healthy relationship with my Mom...Dad...God....and FOOD.