My FIRST Great Night SLEEP!!!

And....it was only about 5 hours!!!

I went to the sleep center last night - nearly missed my apt. b/c of a disagreement with my hubby - but that is a different story!!~

I did finally remembered my appointment...and was about 40min. late but they let me come...and after all the paperwork was completed...then we had to get me ONE WITH THE COMPUTER! All the wires....nodes....hook-ups....tests to make sure that everthing was in order...etc - wow, it took a couple hours and by the end of it all - I wanted to sleep!

I think I fell asleep pretty quick...but, I know it's sooo hard to feel completely comfortable with all the wires. I kept thinking if I move this way...I might disconnect something!!~ I slept most of the night on my back...and the tech finally got me situated with the c-pap machine...and evidently I got calibrated and slept like a baby without snoring!!

I found out this morning that I won't be getting a C-Pap machine until they sent all the info to my doctor...and he evaluates it, and then puts in a Rx for it!

Give me one!! I need it now...I don't want to wait....typical me!~ I am instant gratification...I want to have the surgery now...want the c-pap now...and when I am dieting - if I don't see pounds melting away...it's just not good enough!....

exhausting! ahhhh!!

I've heard that these machines can be very very expensive...I don't know...I want to sleep...want to feel better, to feel alert!!

"Alertness matters because being alert is much more than being awake.When you're alert, you may be more focused and better able to pay attention. At work, at home and everywhere else your day takes you — Alertness Matters."

Hhhhmmm?

It's been hard to stick to a "diet", KNOWING I'm going to have the RNY...now about 4mos. away!! But thru my busy schedule, time is seeming to "fly by!" Which I love.....

....but, still I've still got sooo much to do before our family moves in 9mos.~ It's like preparing for a baby!! I need to meet with my Dr. next week...& get fitted for a C-Pap to sleep better.

AND NOW...to get all the paperwork together! aaahh!!~ Wow...another requirement is that I have to PROVE that I've been obese for over 5 years...so, I am gathering information from all my Dr's around town that have weighed me over the last 5 yrs... unfortunately, I'm having a hard time finding 2004...hopefully the person evaluating my case at the insurance company will realize that I didn't loose, and then gain all the weight within my one missing year....I don't know.~

The "Loon"...

OK ...what to say!
WELL....one of the requirements of the 6mo. waiting period -preparing evidence for the insurance company - is to get 2 very specific things...

• I have to see a therapist and get a Psyc Eval...
• I have to see a nutritionist once a month for six months in a row.

Thru a referral from my doctor I am seeing this someone who will help me with both - I call her "The Loon"....
The first time I talked to her...I thought maybe she was normal...and then after this visit ~ I wonder is SHE is all there???

I feel "stuck" b/c This is my second visit...and I don't think I can handle changing now....and then will have to start my 6mos over!! Right now I am just surviving on the thought that I will have my surgery late February...or at least in March.~ (4-5mos.)

I am paying this woman $60 an hour for HER to tell ME about all her morning routine...and why it was impossible for her to wash her hair - thus explaining WHY her head looks like she poured a bottle of baby oil over her head!! Her hair is LONG...and blond...stringy and oily. WHAT is she going to evaluate ME on....I am shocked that I am going to have to sit in this office and pay HER!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had to bring my 2 yr. old today...and I could tell she was clearly agitated with this...she kept try to relate to my mothering by comparing her taking care of her dog....
I'm clearly in a HUGE story about her...and how strange she is...but, I am soooo annoyed by her...and I don't quite trust her...I'm not sure what it is...but there is something strange about her?? hmmmm?? I don't trust that she will not mess something up...and there will be a problem of some sort. I think this goes deeper about my faith and trust that this will happen...I'm afraid to get excited about this journey b/c "what if....I don't have the surgery." "What if... something happens & I'm not approved by the insurance company??" "What if......"
I will need another sleep test to see if the C-Pap will work...that is coming up in about a week or so....
~D

Sleep Apnea...

I went to my family doctor today to check in…as well as get the reading the results of my sleep test. I do have sleep apnea…and it sounds like it’s pretty severe. I am glad that this will be great evidence for my cause with the insurance company. (But…as for living – yuck!! It’s no wonder I don’t feel great…and feel exhausted all the time!)

I am sleeping 70% of my night in Stage 2 – which is outrageous!! I should be getting about 40% in Stage 2 and significantly more in Stages 3 & 4. Thru the night I had “121 episodes”….all I know about these are, that I have to stop breathing for longer than 10 seconds to have it be considered an “episode.” This adds up over one night…and causes me to keep coming out of my better stages of sleep, and keeps me from experiencing REM sleep…of which I am getting about 4%.

So, back to the TSD to see if some sort of C-Pap machine will help me feel better…and not feel sooo exhausted! I'm just wanting some sort of relief ~ with my weight and sleep!

Spread 'em....

Ugh! I had my OBGYN yearly today….I have really been irresponsible and this has been a year and 9 months since my last appointment. I had to get as many past records for insurance info…and then just get weighed AGAIN…this time was my ALL TIME high of 336# - WHAT the H***? I am just out of it; SICK….I must get going, and really focus at least on the very short term!
I shared with my doctor that I am planning on having the Gastric Bypass surgery sometime in the spring – and wow! What a response…he is thrilled and fully supportive, glad that I am doing something now, before I have serious problems…and hopeful that I will live a normal life. I notice when I receive all the paperwork from each visit since I started seeing him in 1999 that he has commented on my weight, and has documented it as the only area of concern. It makes me wonder why he’s never brought this up in our conversations...??? hmmmm.

Inspiration TV....could it be?? LOL.

I need to invent a new possibility for my time as I prepare for surgery – RIGHT NOW! I’ve been watching The Biggest Loser….I see sooo much inspiration in these people! ~

Determination, Power, Commitment, Courage, Authenticity, Joy, & Vitality! Wow!!

I am claiming my inauthenticity about how I’ve been eating. It’s hard to own that I’ve been drinking my protein shakes…and then “BLOWING IT” when dinner came around! My payoff is that I am “in control”….but, I feel my weight is creeping up! Whoa! I check in with our family doctor – we’ll see where I am….and get to hear about if I have sleep apnea.

(Pitifully enough…this is about my obsession with reality TV….my sweet Just Pat would say “Voyeuristic TV”…lol.)

I'm GROWING......

This weekend has been AMAZING Growth !! Russ and I went to Landmark Education's- Advanced Course. I learned that I used my weight….not as insulation, like some….but to be seen. The act of my life, the way I “did” life was thru the statement, “You will see me!” ~ Ouch!
I’ve given that up…that is not WHO I AM….I am accepting, loving, authentic, & courageous. I am choosing to be responsible for my act…knowing what I’ve done in the past…and choosing to live differently!
I’ve learned that living within my community is so important – standing for others growth…& the ability to live powerfully! In this I can “listen” for the excellence in others & see that is who I am. That is who God has made me!! I am so thankful for my faith in God…and these new tools thru Landmark. ~

“I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor.” -Henry David Thoreau