Ahhh...she's driving me CrAzY!!

OK....I went to the 'loon' for our monthly visit today. I'm not quite sure why or how she stays a therapist/nutritionist?!? This baffles me...WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT ME!!?? How is it that I pay her??

I must be an Idiot!

Now, I'm on the countdown...only 3 more visits that will be a waste of $$...- hmmm....maybe not a complete waste - if my insurance covers me for Gastric Bypass then it will be $400 well spent!! I am thankful that she is cheaper than a REAL therapist....that is a bonus!~

Today I ask her for receipts for all my visits so I could claim all of this on my insurance - hoping to get back 80% of what I'm wasting...and she doesn't have a Tax ID??? How can she be in practice with out it??? So...she hem-haws...and says "I'll look into it." ~ is she for real??

::::sigh::::

Continuous Possitive Airway Pressure ~ CPAP

My doctor agreed that there was an overwhelming amount of evidence that the C-PAP machine will aid me in my sleeping!! WOW....I slept an overwhelming 71% of my night in restorative sleep b/c of the C-PAP.....

Can't beat that...so, he wrote me a perscription...and it only cost me a little over $100 to get it~ It is going to take a bit of time to get 'used' to the blowing into my face as I'm trying to catch my breath and fall asleep...but if it continues to feel strange I can push a special button that will lessen the pressure of the air, and gradually build up over 25min. period to the calibration that is good for me!

So...we'll see. I like the feeling of sleeping better~ And am thrilled that I don't have to pay hundreds as well as have a significant reason for having the RNY. I'll have my hubby take some picture of me in my C-PAP "getup"...quite humorous...it's a laugh!!~

Worries Over Weight-Loss Surgery

It's amazing what kind of 'coverage' gastric bypass is getting. I don't know if it's MORE since I decided to have it, or if I am just MORE AWARE ?!
So...the Wall Street Journal ran a piece in the personal section ...and my best friends boyfriend found it and cut it out....and then she sent it to me. We told them about my choice to have RNY 2 weeks ago...and although he didn't say it when we were having breakfast...he's been processing my decision - and is baffled why I would choose this journey.
I think of my 2 year old...and what I hear is - "how can I continue on this way, especially when she is getting more and more active...and deserves to have a Mommy that will 'go-go-go'...and run in the park with her!" ~ I know that there is risk involved...but, I think that it is so important for her...for me...for my husband.
Well...overall...the article wasn't THAT bad....it stated the known fact that the surgery has a 1 in 200 risk of fatality. That the surgery is especially risky for patients 60yrs....and it goes on. I'm not going to worry about this...
I'm "Queen LaTivo"....I've tivo'd anything to do with or that mentions 'gastric bypass' - little by little I am hearing stories, good and bad. I especially like hearing about people who have had the surgery 4, 5, 6 yrs. ago. It all comes back to - "this surgery is not an EASY FIX...it does get the patient out of immediate risks that are weight related." But, there are sooo many other emotional struggles that take much time and many years to break thru.
I know this now...and want to be educated in how to deal with my eating disorder...and how I deal with food in life...and how I emotionally deal with life thru food.~ ::::sigh::::
It seems that there is a high rising rate of patients that w/in a 3 yr. period have to return for additional surgery. 20.2% of surgery patients were admitted to the hospital the year after surgery. ~ wow this is sooo high! The other percentages are high as well....
I'm praying my way thru this one...

Letter from Gramm....

Well...I got a letter from Gramm today, and now I realize why I've been a little hesistant in telling my friends and family about my decision in having Gastric Bypass Surgery.

I am soooo "done" with the dieting scene...and this FINALLY has given me a light at the end of my tunnel...The voice in my head is constantly talking...and of course I am worried about being accepted and respected for my decision. I think some people think that 'fat people' go for the knife for an easy fix. It's not that way...in no way will this be an easy fix...It will take A TON of work to get thru the emotional eating baggage that I have...my mind will be the same and that is where the issues are. I just know that if my weight doesn't get off...in 5 years I will be in big trouble. And that is gaurenteed even if I stay this weight at 325!

Both my parents deal with weight issues...my uncle is very heavy...and I know my other family members have dealt with weight...but, as I know....I am one of the 'heaviest' members in my family beside my uncle...and my cousin Kim from my dad's brother. (Although...I think SHE may have had gastric bypass surgery a couple years ago!!~ hmmm...I'll have to check that out....I think she was very very large the last time I saw her...) Anyway...I've told a few very close friends....and all has been well. All were very very supportive! ~ What a blessing. I've told my sister, Kat...my brothers, Rob & Kenn. My Dad & Step-Mom -were sooo great & very supportive! I told my Gramm when I was in SA, at my brothers wedding...and asked her not to tell my Mom....I want the opportunity to tell my Mom...and need some time to prepare myself for if she is against this for my life. (I know she has her own thoughts on this subject...one of the girls in her office had the surgery, and her commits to me were very critical - and it didn't sound too accepting...and she didn't sound like she respected the decision.) I'm afraid this will be my situation as well...so, I think my husband and I have decided that we will sit down and talk to both, my mom and step-dad at the same time over Christmas. ( I think it will be very little time until my surgery by then...so, I won't have to worry if she doesn't approve!

Now…the point – I think Gramm may be concerned about my decision….she sent me a letter and a article about the pros and cons of the surgery…and highlighted her areas of concern. She didn’t tell me NOT to have the surgery…I can just tell that she is worried. It sounds as if she has talked to my aunts on the subject. I just hope she asked them to keep silent…and that I will be the first to tell my Mother…but, now…I’m not sure that will be possible~ oh, well….I’m not going to fret over it…what happens –happens!
I’m still going to have the surgery in about 4 months!! I go in for an appointment with my Dr. in a few days to hear the results of my CPap testing…and then hopefully I will get a machine and it will not be too costly!!~

My FIRST Great Night SLEEP!!!

And....it was only about 5 hours!!!

I went to the sleep center last night - nearly missed my apt. b/c of a disagreement with my hubby - but that is a different story!!~

I did finally remembered my appointment...and was about 40min. late but they let me come...and after all the paperwork was completed...then we had to get me ONE WITH THE COMPUTER! All the wires....nodes....hook-ups....tests to make sure that everthing was in order...etc - wow, it took a couple hours and by the end of it all - I wanted to sleep!

I think I fell asleep pretty quick...but, I know it's sooo hard to feel completely comfortable with all the wires. I kept thinking if I move this way...I might disconnect something!!~ I slept most of the night on my back...and the tech finally got me situated with the c-pap machine...and evidently I got calibrated and slept like a baby without snoring!!

I found out this morning that I won't be getting a C-Pap machine until they sent all the info to my doctor...and he evaluates it, and then puts in a Rx for it!

Give me one!! I need it now...I don't want to wait....typical me!~ I am instant gratification...I want to have the surgery now...want the c-pap now...and when I am dieting - if I don't see pounds melting away...it's just not good enough!....

exhausting! ahhhh!!

I've heard that these machines can be very very expensive...I don't know...I want to sleep...want to feel better, to feel alert!!

"Alertness matters because being alert is much more than being awake.When you're alert, you may be more focused and better able to pay attention. At work, at home and everywhere else your day takes you — Alertness Matters."

Hhhhmmm?

It's been hard to stick to a "diet", KNOWING I'm going to have the RNY...now about 4mos. away!! But thru my busy schedule, time is seeming to "fly by!" Which I love.....

....but, still I've still got sooo much to do before our family moves in 9mos.~ It's like preparing for a baby!! I need to meet with my Dr. next week...& get fitted for a C-Pap to sleep better.

AND NOW...to get all the paperwork together! aaahh!!~ Wow...another requirement is that I have to PROVE that I've been obese for over 5 years...so, I am gathering information from all my Dr's around town that have weighed me over the last 5 yrs... unfortunately, I'm having a hard time finding 2004...hopefully the person evaluating my case at the insurance company will realize that I didn't loose, and then gain all the weight within my one missing year....I don't know.~

The "Loon"...

OK ...what to say!
WELL....one of the requirements of the 6mo. waiting period -preparing evidence for the insurance company - is to get 2 very specific things...

• I have to see a therapist and get a Psyc Eval...
• I have to see a nutritionist once a month for six months in a row.

Thru a referral from my doctor I am seeing this someone who will help me with both - I call her "The Loon"....
The first time I talked to her...I thought maybe she was normal...and then after this visit ~ I wonder is SHE is all there???

I feel "stuck" b/c This is my second visit...and I don't think I can handle changing now....and then will have to start my 6mos over!! Right now I am just surviving on the thought that I will have my surgery late February...or at least in March.~ (4-5mos.)

I am paying this woman $60 an hour for HER to tell ME about all her morning routine...and why it was impossible for her to wash her hair - thus explaining WHY her head looks like she poured a bottle of baby oil over her head!! Her hair is LONG...and blond...stringy and oily. WHAT is she going to evaluate ME on....I am shocked that I am going to have to sit in this office and pay HER!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had to bring my 2 yr. old today...and I could tell she was clearly agitated with this...she kept try to relate to my mothering by comparing her taking care of her dog....
I'm clearly in a HUGE story about her...and how strange she is...but, I am soooo annoyed by her...and I don't quite trust her...I'm not sure what it is...but there is something strange about her?? hmmmm?? I don't trust that she will not mess something up...and there will be a problem of some sort. I think this goes deeper about my faith and trust that this will happen...I'm afraid to get excited about this journey b/c "what if....I don't have the surgery." "What if... something happens & I'm not approved by the insurance company??" "What if......"
I will need another sleep test to see if the C-Pap will work...that is coming up in about a week or so....
~D

Sleep Apnea...

I went to my family doctor today to check in…as well as get the reading the results of my sleep test. I do have sleep apnea…and it sounds like it’s pretty severe. I am glad that this will be great evidence for my cause with the insurance company. (But…as for living – yuck!! It’s no wonder I don’t feel great…and feel exhausted all the time!)

I am sleeping 70% of my night in Stage 2 – which is outrageous!! I should be getting about 40% in Stage 2 and significantly more in Stages 3 & 4. Thru the night I had “121 episodes”….all I know about these are, that I have to stop breathing for longer than 10 seconds to have it be considered an “episode.” This adds up over one night…and causes me to keep coming out of my better stages of sleep, and keeps me from experiencing REM sleep…of which I am getting about 4%.

So, back to the TSD to see if some sort of C-Pap machine will help me feel better…and not feel sooo exhausted! I'm just wanting some sort of relief ~ with my weight and sleep!

Spread 'em....

Ugh! I had my OBGYN yearly today….I have really been irresponsible and this has been a year and 9 months since my last appointment. I had to get as many past records for insurance info…and then just get weighed AGAIN…this time was my ALL TIME high of 336# - WHAT the H***? I am just out of it; SICK….I must get going, and really focus at least on the very short term!
I shared with my doctor that I am planning on having the Gastric Bypass surgery sometime in the spring – and wow! What a response…he is thrilled and fully supportive, glad that I am doing something now, before I have serious problems…and hopeful that I will live a normal life. I notice when I receive all the paperwork from each visit since I started seeing him in 1999 that he has commented on my weight, and has documented it as the only area of concern. It makes me wonder why he’s never brought this up in our conversations...??? hmmmm.

Inspiration TV....could it be?? LOL.

I need to invent a new possibility for my time as I prepare for surgery – RIGHT NOW! I’ve been watching The Biggest Loser….I see sooo much inspiration in these people! ~

Determination, Power, Commitment, Courage, Authenticity, Joy, & Vitality! Wow!!

I am claiming my inauthenticity about how I’ve been eating. It’s hard to own that I’ve been drinking my protein shakes…and then “BLOWING IT” when dinner came around! My payoff is that I am “in control”….but, I feel my weight is creeping up! Whoa! I check in with our family doctor – we’ll see where I am….and get to hear about if I have sleep apnea.

(Pitifully enough…this is about my obsession with reality TV….my sweet Just Pat would say “Voyeuristic TV”…lol.)

I'm GROWING......

This weekend has been AMAZING Growth !! Russ and I went to Landmark Education's- Advanced Course. I learned that I used my weight….not as insulation, like some….but to be seen. The act of my life, the way I “did” life was thru the statement, “You will see me!” ~ Ouch!
I’ve given that up…that is not WHO I AM….I am accepting, loving, authentic, & courageous. I am choosing to be responsible for my act…knowing what I’ve done in the past…and choosing to live differently!
I’ve learned that living within my community is so important – standing for others growth…& the ability to live powerfully! In this I can “listen” for the excellence in others & see that is who I am. That is who God has made me!! I am so thankful for my faith in God…and these new tools thru Landmark. ~

“I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor.” -Henry David Thoreau

STRESS Test...... Aaaah!!!

TODAY – I went to Dr. Fred Maese’s for Cardiac Clearance for my surgery. I didn’t know what that meant until they told me I was going to do a stress test! Aaaahhh! My mother-in-law has done several of them when she has had heart issues – I dreaded this…but pushed thru. This stress test was SOOO HARD…but necessary, I first had to get another IV….and then had to walk on this treadmill (pretty fast) for at least 7 minutes…but he wanted me to do it for 15!! Nine & a half was all I could give…and thankfully the tech gave me something in my IV to get me thru the experience…and then put me in this machine that encircled my upper torso…and took pictures of my heart!!~ At the end, I got to actually SEE my heart BEATING….soooo cool! Dr. Maese said my heart was beautiful. This was soooo neat! What an amazing experience after the hard treadmill stuff was over. I am cleared for surgery – this is great news!! (And now, I off to do the series of other required tests and appointments! ~) Just looking at my heart...seeing all the facets of how it works....watching it beat - God is amazing...what a designer.

Tomorrow, My Honey, and I are off to the Advanced Course ~ I am excited about this time we have to go thru this together….learning MORE of what we didn’t know that we didn’t know. I love this tool in my life, and am sooo thankful for my faith in God…and trust that He will use this powerfully to teach me to see who I am. ~

MISERY... :::::sigh:::::

An Everyday experience can be soooo exhausting!! I am finding that just walking can add a back pain…& my feet are sooo swollen every day!! Tomorrow is my brother’s wedding & I cringe to think of going….& taking wedding pictures that will be in our family for a very long time! I love the shoes that I bought to wear…but, the question is will I be able to pull it off with my edema being sooo bad?! My weight right now is 325#...and Russ and I are discussing practical ways to help me loose 25# -- this way I will be 300# or under for my surgery – it’s got to be healthier.

Big Changes....

Wild to think of the changes that will happen after this WLS…to think of possibly loosing 85% of my excess weight. In most cases 77% of the weight will be lost in the first year – that would be 142.5#’s for me. 85% of my weight is a total of 157.5#’s which will leave me to loose about 30# on my own. – Wow…that seems unreal, completely ‘do-able’ but still, UNREAL.
Last night I went for a sleep study at Total Sleep Diagnostics (TSD)…my family doctor ordered it…but, it will also be nice to know if I have sleep apnea. If I do, this could be a big reason why I could be feeling ‘rotten’….as well as always feeling fatigued, worn out, etc. This experience was interesting – hmmm. You go into this “doctor-like office” and there are rooms set up like hotel rooms. I got hooked up to all these cords and nose pieces…brain reading cords… eye moving cords…etc….I don’t even know how many but I was so worried that I would NEVER fall asleep, but I eventually did. I did weasel it out of my tech that I snored pretty badly…my poor husband!! I have an appointment with my doctor to find out my results. I think this will help my insurance case.~ Just another Hoop!

Out patient proceedure...

Today I was at Vista Hospital…..my surgeon, Dr. Barker, did my EGD today….a fairly simple procedure – for me anyhow. LOL. I literally got into my little room, my anesthesiologist got my IV going…and they wheeled me into the procedure room. All I remember is getting in there….and then my anesthesiologist had me start to count backwards from 100. All I remember, “100, 99, 98…..” OUT!! Then the next thing I know, and hour and half had past and I’m back in my little room. ~ Wow!! Now that was happy juice!! ~ (Check out my EKG tabs!)
The interesting thing about the EGD procedure is it is necessary for Dr. Barker to see the area that he will be operating on…and check out what is going on with my reflux. Just one more step before my Roux-En-Y surgery next spring.
Have I mentioned that I can nearly see the light at the end of the tunnel?? Just thinking about loosing the weight…finally!!
Being 5’7” (I’m still bitter…) – and according to the FDA I should weigh – 140#...so, that would make me 184# over weight – Super Morbidly Obese. WOW. I climbed into another range of obesity when my BMI became greater than 50…..mine is 51. It’s outrageous to just say it all out loud…this journey started years before now…it’s been overwhelming, bordering on treacherous & long, successful at times & full of defeats most of the other times. I think I’ve figured that I have lost over 100# in the last 3 yrs….but, I’m still at my heaviest weight I’ve ever been!
It’s funny to think of how I feel alien to my actual body., I love who I am…I just am not fond of my “shell” I am living in. I am a skinny woman inside…whose been swallowed up by a ‘Fat Girl!’ ~ Let me out !! I’m thrilled at the idea of getting freed from this ‘Fat Jail…” What I look like is not who I am…These “steps” are refreshing…I’m excited about every step until my surgery date & mentally ready for this now…I hope I can look at the positive, instead of focusing on how long until my date. I am committing on full disclosure on how I am feeling …what I think….& what I experience. GOOD – BAD – ENCOURAGING –DISCOURAGING…I am committing to be fully present…courageous….open…& joyful.

Light at the end of the tunnel...

This is a journal & blog of my journey. After seeing my surgeon yesterday….it’s a combination of excitement & bewilderment and careful consideration in traveling down this road. Finally a light at the end of the tunnel…gastric bypass surgery – I can’t believe that I am finally at the crossroads to do something drastic like weight loss surgery. The method is thru laparoscopic roux-en-y gastric bypass. The link I’ve attached previously is fascinating….everything and more you may want to check out about this procedure. – different from my previous blogs…

I have had some fear about telling people my decision to have this surgery. The actual fear is really about what they will think, say, feel about MY life decision. I should say OUR…because I definitely could not make this type of serious decision without my mate…what a support he has been for me! I saw my family doctor today….I felt nervous to tell him, but to no avail, he was very very supportive. I’m amazed & thrilled for his support, now he’s not only educating me in what to expect…as well as giving supporting me in the tons of things I need to complete…some for health checks…..others for insurance reasons – all of which have to be complete before I have surgery. I am frustrated about the ‘insurance hoops’ that have to be jumped thru…6 months to wait …I’m resolved to this now….but, I’m still counting down the months.

FORK in the Road...

When you come to a fork in the road…take it!!! This is one ‘fork’ I’ll accept, one that will make a difference ….one that chooses- LIFE! ~ (I’ll leave the other fork here…)
Today was my day to meet with Dr. Wade Barker…the bariatric surgeon who I was planning on doing my Lap Band surgery. I went in for my consultation a little nervous…thank goodness, my sweetie was with me. As I filled out all the paperwork I realized how many side effects I have…and I had no idea that they were ‘weight related.’ I have head aches in the morning…snoring, my swollen ankles, (which have a technical term, called - Edema .) back aches, sore feet….really, soooo much more than I even care to go into in this blog! It’s exhausting just thinking about it…all this time I thought that my weight wasn’t really an issue b/c I didn’t have high blood pressure, high cholesterol…or diabetes ~ when, that is not the case at all.
After talking with Dr. Barker…(and explaining our situation- as well as what our next year will look like with moving for my husband to go Optometry School. And not knowing what our insurance coverage will look like…) he began asking me why I was not interested in the Gastric Bypass surgery. First, I was VERY interested…but didn’t think my husband would go for it b/c of all the ‘hype and risk’. He then said he’d like to educate us on why the Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass surgery would be a better choice than the Lap Band. I had no idea all the percentages of weight loss…and with the high amount of weight I need to loose to be in a healthy weight range….Lap Band wouldn’t be as successful as Gastric bypass. After talking with him – he was excellent – he took his time with us…explaining sooo much in detail and answering every question –because of this, my husband & I are very comfortable with him as a doctor and surgeon & this is the direction I am going. I am VERY disappointed I am not able to have the surgery in the next couple of months….b/c my insurance makes us wait an allotted 6 months with diet and supervision…and then will approve it. This was heart wrenching….after deliberating this for nearly 2 years…I’m ready. But, I will look at the positive aspects…there is much for me to learn and consider in the next 6 months…this is a life altering decision, one not to be considered lightly.

Journey Back to Me....

I finally made the call to get more information! I called the Barix Clinics…got a hold of them and asked a TON of questions…but, to really have all my questions answered, I needed to schedule a consultation. Because it is Lap Band I am interested in…they are sending me to a specific surgeon off site of the hospital…and I will have to wait a few weeks for my appointment. Until then, my sweetie and I have been talking about it, and we are both excited about our life possibilities that I never considered. My husband is excited that he won’t have to worry about me having a heart attack…or getting diabetes, HBP, HT…etc.
::::sigh::::

Wake-Up..."Wake-Up Call...."

I’m ready to go and get the information to get started with weight loss surgery. Today was my daughters 2nd birthday…there are SO many things I currently hold back, or miss out on. Her god-mother was sooo fun with her today at Chuck E. Cheese’s….

In the play arena at Chuck E. Cheese’s they have a huge crawl tube attached to the ceiling….the kiddos climb up these obstacle ladders…and then crawl thru these tubes that maze thru on the ceiling. I would NEVER be able to let her enjoy that…thankfully her godmother is soooo fun and adventurous! It rang home in a pain to my heart how my weight can subtly affect my two-year-old RIGHT NOW!! I don’t like to take her to the park – for fear if she runs too far from me I won’t be able to run after her.
No more – I’m calling MONDAY!!!