Shedding Light...

"I don't struggle with self esteem".... in the normal sense.

I say 'in the normal sense' - because now, I believe, I have been (and probably still can be) insecure at times. And being insecure led me into some pretty horrid eating patterns and behaviors early in life....which in turn led me thru a couple decades of getting heavier; heavier -eventually leading me to be morbidly obese.

There was a time - not so long ago that I said, "I'm confident, lovable, sexy, liked...loved - and I'm completely happy being 333#'s." -- but then someone asked me "do you diet?"Well...funny enough that question flipped a switch, I barely remember a day from my teenage thru adult years that I WASN'T dieting...OR aware of some sort of food restriction, constraint, restraint...etc. When I answered...he challenged me and said, "I'd invite you to consider that you're not as secure as you are portraying yourself to be."Hmmmm.....interesting. It's amazing when light is shed into a dark place - what you may find. So that day I realized I'm not the stereo typical "insecure"... but I clearly wasn't "secure confident" either.  There was definitely a breakdown in my thinking.

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I set out that day to be authentic with myself...and my family/friends. 

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WOW -- what a journey it's been....over the last 3 and a half years.  I had to confront (and STILL confront) some 'demons in the closet'.  Although, thru some of these tough confrontations I had to also evaluate my choices, look deep into a places of honesty.  Thru this I found tons of self validation as well as validation from those around me - I also found myself not living on a constant "diet."
Funny enough ...I found I had/have "Mother Issues".  I have finally got to a place with my "Mother Issues" where I realize I have been *believing* that I couldn't please her...when actually that is a lie. Praise God, it was just this fall that I had this huge breakthrough - I realized that what I thought were expectations or certain attitudes from my mother....was nothing that my Mother was putting on me or doing -- it was a lie that I had been believing most of my life....wow - when I realized it....it was like I shed another 160#'s....whoa, what freedom!

There is still sooo much more to work out... I get that this is a process.  But, for now...I'm resting in the truth that my mother loves me...accepts me... is proud of me.

AND...I love me...accept me...and am proud of who I am -- not always happy with the choices I choose to make -- but will plug on...with each day I am given -- determined to walk authentically WITH as many LIGHTS ON as possible!